… but I don’t think I am now and I don’t know how that happened. There used to be a time when I would strut, literally STRUT, around and I knew that my shit did not stink (figuratively speaking, of course). I could do no wrong. I wanted something (a job, a project, a boy, a friend, etc.), I would get it by any and all means necessary to attain whatever it was I desired. I had friends who would tell me that I didn’t even need to try or work hard to get what I wanted. It would just come to me.
I was desired. I was sought after. I was wanted.
I was a Bad Ass.
But now, as I get older, I realize that things are a little harder to come by. I don’t make friends as easily. I don’t know if men even look at me (of course, I do have a boyfriend so that would be a moot point, really), I don’t have steady work, and all ideas or inspiration I desire to come never really comes. I struggle harder than I used to and it’s becoming quite perplexing.
I no longer live the charmed life I used to lead.
But do I really want that charmed life? Even when I was a Bad Ass there were times when I would question myself and think, “These things come too easily.” Then I would become complacent. And then I would get bored. I’m no so easily bored and I definitely am no longer complacent. In fact, I think I have discovered a whole new realm of restlessness I never knew could exist inside of me.
I want to do everything. I want to design, I want to write, I STILL want to direct the few scripts I’ve written, I want to finish my book, I want to get married, I want to have children, I want, I want, I want…
All this wanting makes me so agitated sometimes that I think I’m going to explode out of my skin. But then I think to myself, “If I do get all these things, what happens once I get them?”
I don’t know.
I’m just saying…
I used to be a Bad Ass.